soo 2011 was quite the year....ups and downs....goods and bads.....love....and pain. I was trying to do the Book of Mormon March Madness Challenge....no i didn't make it...but i am still reading. It has been difficult for me....reading the scriptures....and so far so good...even if i didn't finish during March...i will finish and that is all that matters...but learning thru reading..there must be opposition in all things....soo without the pain...i wouldn't know what love felt like...or what it felt like to love...someone....showing emotion has been very hard for me...i have built a thick wall to protect myself...and said wall is called.....Sarcasm....ha....haha...i don't like to let people in..because i don't like to be hurt....sooo i keep my walls up....even for my family...yet i let one man break down some of the thickness....and i let him in....and i loved him....we talked almost every day..when i hated talking on the phone....he woke me up most mornings..and i allowed it...when i love sleep.....i let him into the world in my head....when i hate going there myself sometimes....he called me beautiful...when i thought...."this man would never be interested in me" and yet...he was.....despite the rough exterior.....sarcasm...haha...he did mention i needed to cut back on it...and i think i did...who knows..haha...maybe for a time....but several outside layers...fell away and i admitted a lot of my insecurities....i admitted to a lot of my dreams...i admitted to a lot of my fears.....my past problems...and why those problems had come about.....i spoke aloud these things...and sometimes i cried...and yet.....i became aware of me in a different light.....i gained some self confidence in April......i glowed in his presence as he once stated....he lifted me...telling me..."April you can do this" pointing me in directions i could pursue....career....personal... and me..i fell in love....foolish heart...haha...3 times....he broke my heart...3rd times the charm...a friend posted this sign on FB..."the most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained" no goodbye...no explanation.....pain....Rob Base said...joy and pain..sunshine and rain.....we cannot have one without the other....soo i had my rain....and i find my joy and sunshine in change.....if i was closer to my HF...my eyes..my ears...my heart....would have been opened to hear what He needed to tell me....but i work on that...i strive to become closer to my HF...i strive to open my heart my mind and my spirit to Him...to direct me in my paths....to find me...
Change.....i am more open now....i can more readily tell a friend when i need them...when i hurt and need support....i can more readily tell you i love you...the one regret i had....was never telling him those three words...i felt impressed to a few times..but i held back....because of my human emotions.....of not wanting to be rejected....having my love shoved in my face...and i thought he wasn't ready to hear them either....but i wonder.. i have the memories..and while there are three very bad memories of hopes dashed....feelings hurt....heart...and soul broken....there are more good ones.....smiles....kisses....touch.....conversations....his laughter......and i can smile in the remembering.....
Change......i focus more on me....so i can be the strong individual that he saw in me...that many other friends see in me...but i don't see in myself..
Change.....healthier me...
Change....spiritual me
Change.....to love me....cause that is who i need to love most right now...because if i can't love myself enough....where does that leave me....i am tired of the doubts in me.....sooo i Change.... not who i am...but strengthen Her....so that she glows for herself.....that her light shines from within and I see it everyday.....April...means new life...it's the beginning of new growth of spring... and i always loved spring.....and i look forward to the new April Danielle who is emerging.....as i do the bud of a new flower....the green of new leaves.....Heavenly Father created that...and he also created me...soo why shouldn't i see the beauty in me...that i see in spring....Ledisi has a song called Bravo... "same pretty face with a brand new smile...same "April" but she's not walking she's flying.." BRAVO......April..bravo.....
