Once, twice, three times....

So I am apparently unlucky in "love". Letting my walls down gets me nowhere but alone to nurse the loss of a friend... No matter how I feel about them. Love, Like...building a friendship. It is sooo easy to just push me aside. That is how I feel. So why put myself in these situations? I don't know. Because they make me feel good? Because these situations make me feel special. Because maybe I'm super naive and just fall into any one who says I'm pretty??? I don't know but I'm tired of letting you past these walls...I'm tired of being left...no matter what the reason. I'm tired of wanting....I'm tired of hurting..I'm tired tired tired...!!!!! HF I'm just soooo tired of feelin like I'm not good enough..!! Just so tired

I'm not Mother material??

So I was looking thru some photos of a guy I...spent time with...and it made me think.. How is it that of these guys I have been "spending time with" or dating...I have never met anyone of importance in their lives..ie family or friends (outside of mutual friends). And it really made me think. Your mother comes into town and all of a sudden we can't hang out...GR. IZ...your mother comes into town and you make it obvious that altho you've introduced her to other ppl at work...not gonna happen with me. JT...you were the worst because you broke my heart and kept salting the open wound by saying how your family is private and that is why I never met them in the 9mos that we dated/talked/spent time together. So why is it that I am not allowed access to your favorite women? What was it that made me unworthy to meet them?I'm honest, trustworthy, loving, loyal, and definitely worthy of meeting people in your lives...so why did y'all keep me hidden?? Why didn't I say something instead of being okay with it because I enjoyed being with you. I enjoyed the person you are. I accepted you for you in all areas even if they were different from my views... Ah well...your loss.

Wishful Thinking

My Aunt and Cousin were talking today and I was listening. They were talking about marriage and what they love about their husbands and who they were because of them. It made me think of you. Because th things they sai made me think of how I felt with you, who I was with you, how I felt with you. Jessica Simpson said it well in her song "With You" I thought I could do anything...with you. I never felt that way before and I want that again and I find myself jealous of people who have that. I don't want it with you, because I realized that even tho I accepted you for who you were, you never did the same for me. Doesn't mean I don't wish

Why change....

soo 2011 was quite the year....ups and downs....goods and bads.....love....and pain. I was trying to do the Book of Mormon March Madness Challenge....no i didn't make it...but i am still reading. It has been difficult for me....reading the scriptures....and so far so good...even if i didn't finish during March...i will finish and that is all that matters...but learning thru reading..there must be opposition in all things....soo without the pain...i wouldn't know what love felt like...or what it felt like to love...someone....showing emotion has been very hard for me...i have built a thick wall to protect myself...and said wall is called.....Sarcasm....ha....haha...i don't like to let people in..because i don't like to be hurt....sooo i keep my walls up....even for my family...yet i let one man break down some of the thickness....and i let him in....and i loved him....we talked almost every day..when i hated talking on the phone....he woke me up most mornings..and i allowed it...when i love sleep.....i let him into the world in my head....when i hate going there myself sometimes....he called me beautiful...when i thought...."this man would never be interested in me" and yet...he was.....despite the rough exterior.....sarcasm...haha...he did mention i needed to cut back on it...and i think i did...who knows..haha...maybe for a time....but several outside layers...fell away and i admitted a lot of my insecurities....i admitted to a lot of my dreams...i admitted to a lot of my fears.....my past problems...and why those problems had come about.....i spoke aloud these things...and sometimes i cried...and yet.....i became aware of me in a different light.....i gained some self confidence in April......i glowed in his presence as he once stated....he lifted me...telling me..."April you can do this" pointing me in directions i could pursue....career....personal... and me..i fell in love....foolish heart...haha...3 times....he broke my heart...3rd times the charm...a friend posted this sign on FB..."the most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained" no goodbye...no explanation.....pain....Rob Base said...joy and pain..sunshine and rain.....we cannot have one without the other....soo i had my rain....and i find my joy and sunshine in change.....if i was closer to my HF...my eyes..my ears...my heart....would have been opened to hear what He needed to tell me....but i work on that...i strive to become closer to my HF...i strive to open my heart my mind and my spirit to Him...to direct me in my paths....to find me...

Change.....i am more open now....i can more readily tell a friend when i need them...when i hurt and need support....i can more readily tell you i love you...the one regret i had....was never telling him those three words...i felt impressed to a few times..but i held back....because of my human emotions.....of not wanting to be rejected....having my love shoved in my face...and i thought he wasn't ready to hear them either....but i wonder.. i have the memories..and while there are three very bad memories of hopes dashed....feelings hurt....heart...and soul broken....there are more good ones.....smiles....kisses....touch.....conversations....his laughter......and i can smile in the remembering.....

Change......i focus more on me....so i can be the strong individual that he saw in me...that many other friends see in me...but i don't see in myself..

Change.....healthier me...

Change....spiritual me

Change.....to love me....cause that is who i need to love most right now...because if i can't love myself enough....where does that leave me....i am tired of the doubts in me.....sooo i Change.... not who i am...but strengthen Her....so that she glows for herself.....that her light shines from within and I see it everyday.....April...means new life...it's the beginning of new growth of spring... and i always loved spring.....and i look forward to the new April Danielle who is emerging.....as i do the bud of a new flower....the green of new leaves.....Heavenly Father created that...and he also created me...soo why shouldn't i see the beauty in me...that i see in spring....Ledisi has a song called Bravo... "same pretty face with a brand new smile...same "April" but she's not walking she's flying.." BRAVO......April..bravo.....

Forever and a Day....

So it has been awhile...haha understatement...but i am back.... Monica and I were out and she showed me my blog and i read thru it and thought...time to get this thing started again. So here i am. I cannot promise every day...i cannot promise every week, BuT things in my life are changing and hey....i should share....!! So here is to the April of 2012...i have so much planned for me....starting with getting my Pastry Degree and i am looking into schools for that. I love baking. i get more pleasure from the end product than i do from working the line. Tho i do enjoy cooking, it isn't so much fun cooking for people who really don't care.....sooo here is the new me..haha... making changes to be the person i know my HF knows i can be...i just gotta see it for myself....i will start my next post with my growing thru love and pain in 2011....and why i am making changes in the '12...but for now...I'm back...!! And more beautiful than ever....from the inside...as i find myself....after 34 years of not quite knowing who i was and what i could really be.....!

Love and Life

Yesterday was Valentine's Day...and i was jaded about it....I had started seeing someone in Nov and i thought "maybe it will last" which it didn't...it;s kinda sad...we still kinda talk..but the cuddling..adn the making out..and just spending time with him was good...adn i thought about that a lot yesterday....well..more than yesterday....i have no problem being single...but it was nice to have someone....i know love is out there for me...and i am kinda patiently waiting..but one can run out of patience..haha...anyway...that is that...i shall end with a song

LOVE STINKS....yeah yeah
LOVE STINKS....yeah yeah

haha...but you should

• live for the momen
• take the best out of past experiences
• don't worry...be happy..haha

Time Flies....

I have taken forever to write in here...and it's not like i don't have anything to say...there have been a couple good things that have happened...and a couple of bad things...we have had some deaths in the family, but it only makes us stronger as a unit....that's what has happened with my Grandmother being sick....I was sitting at Christmas...looking at her...and she had forgotten if she had taken her meds....and it hit me how sick she is...and i had to stop thinking that she will be there forever....i keep that to myself...but i have a friend who let me talk and cry..and he held my hand....and wiped a few of my tears....and rubber my cheek and made me feel better...his name is Gregor...this is him.... in the background. I'm admitting a lot of things to myself.....we were "supposed" ta be dating
who knows what happened there...BUT he was very good for me...helped me see a lot of things about myself...helped me to get on the ball about other things....*shrugs*....we shall see
There new year is here....and i am doing a lot of changes...which should make for a good 2007.
I'm taking control.....gaining strength...striving for both spiritual and physical...soo look out
Here's to bigger and better and...of course.....funnier...ME..haha....wait...i'm already funny